Zombie Burger

"It's been two months since patient zero took a bite out of a contaminated burger at a Gas & Gulp. Just two months, and I might be the last non-cannibal freak in the country" - Zombieland (2009)

Ladies and gentlemen, Zombie Burger is here. Your post-apocalyptic pit-stop resides in Des Moines, Iowa, sporting an adorable slogan "Eat burgers, not brains." I'm assuming they grind their own beef if they're promising that.

For your average zombie who is ready to kick the habit of munching human flesh, Zombie burger offers an assortment of "GORE-met" burgers. They have quirky names like "They're Coming to Get You Barbara" and "George Romero's Pittsburger". Salads are cleverly listed under Soylent Greens. They also offer veggie patties for those vegan zombies who wish to give up meat altogether.

This burger joint's track lighting and mismatched walls compose a sleek and modern look. It has a few retro touches like the swivel bar stools. Painted zombies throw themselves against nailed down plywood. It's a cute idea, and the zombie fans don't seem to find the portraits of rotting human corpses unappetizing.

The restaurant stays open until 2 AM on weekends, leading me to think that they cater to stoners and gamers, both of whom tend to shuffle in late at night with pink, irritated eyes. Perhaps the success of this restaurant provides social commentary on our resemblance to the zombies of popular culture. Maybe all we need to be happy is our next dose of junk food. To tell the truth, I am a cookie zombie. At 1 AM last night, I literally ran to my own late night snack stop.

"Give me five M&M cookies!!!!!"
"We only have two left."
"OK. Do you have chocolate chip? Throw in three of those."
"We have one oatmeal, and one peanut butter."
"......."
"Ma'am? Do you just want the two M&M?"
"......rrrrrrRRRRrrrrrrRRRR."

New York city offers a vast assortment of horror themed restaurants, from vampire speakeasies to the pub from American Werewolf in Paris. And yet, we don't have any zombie restaurants!  We throw zombie parties, we chase people in Macy's while dressed as zombies and yet we've neglected to open up a restaurant to feed our zombies. I never thought I'd go to Iowa, but I must plan a trip. This restaurant could be the only thing keeping zombies from eating all the good people of America.

Survival Tip of the Day:
Get educated on what is going into your food. If you're eating at a restaurant, ask if the meat is grass-fed, organic, free of antibiotics, etc. E. coli = not fun, especially during a zombie outbreak... but even beyond e. coli, you don't want to be the person referred to as patient zero.